Crimson Red , monotonous grey

Sunday, March 15, 2009 1:45 PM

Loneliness

As i was reading and thinking , i saw this theme appear in my head. Suddenly i stiffened up as if i fear this. Everyone would feel lonely at one point of their life but for me its not now. I have my friends and everyone so why do i fear this word. Why am i so wary about it? As if its some sort of darkness that will devour me up.

I dont know why at first. Thus i printed out my artwork (finally my printer have the ink to do so) The artwork came out lovely just that the red is not strong enough but nevermind. As i looked at my artwork , i felt excited to show it to my friends , showing them finally i made my first print. I cant wait to see how they react , but after they react , whats next? whats really next? they arent really into these things , they would only say those "wows" and everything. That time when i thought of it , fear gripped me. i thought i was showered by them , but in fact , i am just a seperate piece. i couldnt link to them at all.

Because we had nothing (almost) in common. Often they talk about things which i dont understand. I would just stand in a corner and wonder. And often when i tried to tell them things , they would try their best to look interested but i could see that they dont really get what i meant. They were just like "hearing" and not "listening".

Then i truly understand the word "loneliness". It does not meant that it must be no one cares for you. It could also mean that they care for you and you do in return but both ends could not link with each other. Thats what i meant by true loneliness. You could see the light , yet your hand could not reach it. The darkness will devour you each time when you tried to reach out. its a painful feeling. its more painful than you are used to being lonely , when you are used to no one around you.

I looked at my blog and my DA account. I felt pathetic and sad. No one really talked to me. I am just a pieace of glass , stagnant there. When i speak out , no one hear me. sometimes i wonder , am i that really insignificant? Do i really need to use of the way of barging into conversations to get someone hear me? no. i dont wish to do that. Not trying to sound pathetic and attention seeking here. so if you guys read this post , dont make it as if i am trying to get attention , sympathy. i am trying to relate what does the word "loneliness" means to me.

It was not great to be a scorpio. at times i wish i was born earlier or later. I am too sharp already. Sharp in a way that i could detect people's emotion very easily despite the person try to hide it. sometimes i could predict whats going to happen next. other times i could see what people are thinking. i know i sounded ridiculous here but oh well. believe it or not. but for those big fussers , please dont make a big fuss abotut his and spreading some stupid things around. i am sick of 3 years being pressured by people , i wanted my 4th year to be more calm and peaceful. if i dont even have the right to type here then shall i type it in wordpad and print it out to paste around the school? no right?

how i wish i have a few more cartridges of ink.. i wish to print out my lovely artwork to put into my file so whenver i feel down , i could look at them and at least comfort myself that i am not completely useless , i could still draw.

congratulations for those who read this lengthy post. now you know how naggy am i. you need not change your views or the way you act after you read this post. just be yourself. this post is not to force anyone to change. i jsut need a break by typing everything out.