Tuesday, April 14, 2009 7:26 PM
Mask (caution?)
How long have i wore this mask? ages? it seems like aeons to me. I guess soon it will be a time where i need to take off my mask. Arent i a fabulous actress? no no , let me correct this. Arent i a fabulous liar? to actually deceive everyone with what i am now. i guess everything about me is a lie. when was it a time where i really show the truth?hardly.seriously , i am upset now. partially (about 1.5 quarter) i am affected by my results and fear the upcoming doom. The other is about something else. Something that was once significant to me and now it became important.
i remember telling myself not to ----- anymore but yet i did. i hate to admit but i was actually truly happy at times. how could this happen? i dont know. i thought i have sealed that part of me carefully away? so whats going on? what is going on? perhaps the ice is melting already. but do not fear , i will make it rise again.
i will , i believe it. i take things for granted even though i had very well learnt my lesson. Am i born to be selfish? why am i so selfish? why couldn't i spare a thought for her , so that she would not feel lonely when i am having fun? why is it that i dont have a common topic with her? why is it that my pressence became so insignificant that even if i am infront of her , she would not approach me to ask am i alright or what am i doing?
i asked too much from her.
indirectly.she did not tell me how she felt straight on , this show she still value our connection to a
certain extent. yet i could feel it. Her emotions , thinkings , expressions were ringing hard at me everytime. i know how she felt all along but i chose to be oblivious? because i just wanted to bask in happiness , tsk tsk , i am selfish right?
i could see the way she reacts to things. its far to clear to me. until a point she indirectly
gave up on me. and now when i am given up then i take action? how ridiculous!
i am so tempted to tell her that i knew it all along. but yet i could not. i dont want to spoil anything now. couldnt things be fixed up in another way? wait , i deserve to be punish. since i am not truthful from the start.
a little liar. what should i do now? how i wish i was lived being oblivious to things. i wish i dont have keener senses than others. i wish that i am normal. well i am normal now ,
to a certain extent. its not always great to know the truth. because , you would know both love and hatred more.
how i wish , that thing never happen a few years ago.
that causes me to change.
into such a depressing person.isnt this a depressing blog? where most of the time when you came to read , it will always be thoughts about my stupid , boring and depressing life.
