Sunday, April 05, 2009 6:17 PM
Scream it out
i am screaming it out. However my voice is being covered by the wind. I am upset by what is going on. But the wind dont understand. They were so straight forward that stab my heart again and again , i tried to hold back on my emotions again and again but this time i could not. The real side of me engulfed me and i slowly show my real emotions.
i could not hold back anymore. its totally unfair to me.
yet , if i let my true self engulf me , everything would end.
am i too alert on what is going to happen next?
how i wish i was a blunt edge.
thus , i would not strike through the truth.
oh well. i looked through my subjects and i have failed 2 so far. i did not pass the others in glory. in fact i was being pushed away due to i passed a certain subject. what wrong have i done? i wondered. i failed the other subjects so badly but i have never gave a face of displease or jealousy before! yet when i somewhat score better for a subject , everyone would come stabbing through me!
have you really really compare who is more worse? who is suffering more? who is in the higher state of failing Os? ME. have your really thought of how i felt when i gotte 3 marks for my amaths? and you are there scolding yourself why have you failed? then during the time when i am asking myself how could i have pass my english , you shot right through me!
you are contradicting yourself? hell yes for me. i know you are not please but neither am i. i suffered 3 years of being step on by a certain someone , coming to school in fear on many occasions and wearing a happy mask everytime. you humans , who passed their science and score better than me have no right to shoot me. you guys despite failing your maths but at the 30++ range have no right to shoot me. you guys who scored your electives well , have no right to shoot me.
you humans have no right.
no right at all! yet i have to accept this and later talk nicely to you guys again? too hard. tch , too hard!
i am screaming in pain. yet the wind engulf my voice. i felt sorry to you guys just because i flaunted my marks indirectly. yea i was in the wrong. yea i was in the wrong.
but you guys are wrong too. havent you learnt before 1 thing? if you score badly or did something wrong , NEVER EVER TAKE IT OUT AT YOUR FRIENDS. NEVER. BLAME IT ON YOURSELF. BLAME IT ON YOURSELF! its injust to blame it on your friend. once is fine. twice is fine , but what about thrice and more?
they did nothing wrong!
and dont ever blame it on the fact that you are straightforward! this just show you treat your friend lightly! they are just like paper you can tear off anytime and paste it back!
these things are ugly. i never wanted to post it. but i have no where to scream to. i did it at home and i nearly got into a fight with my mother. i felt sorry towards her yet those words cant appear from my mouth. i cant say it out. because the word "sorry" is so fake.
its too fake. it is taken lightly by everyone.
my parents are too great. when i scored 3 marks from my maths. i came back home and i still have the cheek to say "hey mum , i scored 3 marks! yay!". well its not on purpose. but i do say it everytime when i fail my maths. i am upset and sreaming inside yet i could not pour my worries and sadness onto them. i would make them worried. they are very tired already thus i dont want to let them have me as a burden.
i know they are upset. even though my mother was hiding it , but i could sense the feeling of sadness and dissappointment. i could never really give her a beautiful surprise that i passed my maths. never. she chose to trust me and told me not to feel down and dont give up even if its the last minute.
this comforted me.
i am going to work hard now. i know i have plenty to do. i have screamed my heart out , not totally but i am feeling better. i am not pointing this ugly thing to any certain someone. just that i need a wake up call.
lets see , calm down and look things in a positive side.
i am going to do...
- learn how to use water , poster , acrylic colors!
- grasp more on colorpencils :DDD
- practice more on graphic designing
- repractice my HTML , CSS
- improve in my anatomy and finger drawing
- hope to learn how to use ecoline~
- hope to have a chance to learn how to use copic markers
- make my own stuffs to sell
theres so many! BUT ITS AFTER Os. T___T
so for now i am going to...
- practice my language subjects by reading more.
- pracitce my maths more
- seek help for amaths
- try to flip through on science everyday
- learn to have fun while memorising F and N
- remember CH as if its my history!
haha its so much fun coming ahead!
i wish everyone luck in your future!
sorry for screaming out earlier. no offences.
