Friday, May 15, 2009 9:29 PM
Fear , anxiety ,and?
"as i tremble , i could see the paper which i hold with my right hand was shaking violently. i am losing it , and i need to act fast. but what should i do? oh yes of course , put the pressure , on the table. oh yes thank you table."thoughts of the freaky debate. long post :)This is perhaps , the most freakiest day for 2009 ever. well for me i guess. and perhaps the most stressful day so far. came to the school in the morning and i am worried about the debate stuffs already. my group had not done the script yet. all the ideas which is done by me the night before were all on the template. and the points seems weak? oh dear. i thought my team wouldnt go today but something struck me during chemistry. its telling me.
"you will have your debate today~"freaky. i saw the opposition team who are extremely well prepared add on to my nervousness and fear. i felt even more uncomfortable and my chest feels tight. its as if i will faint any minute. but since i decided to do the script. i willed myself , not to fall , no matter what. i must see it to the end. well basically i rushed the script in all the lessons , getting even more flustered each time as my friends tried to calm me down.
no avail. i guess. felt pretty bad now as i "force" Bai to read her script many times.i guess i dont wish to lose. but even if we lose , we must lose it with pride and beautifully. thats what i told myself over and over again. i am even prepared to lose that i imagine a scene of my group losing , but beautifully. great , how pessimistic i am? saw Meiling's group VS Teng's group. i had a good laugh , the both groups were terrific and all of us had fun. but deep down inside me i am still trembling. my heart is thumping faster and my chest feels more and more uncomfortable as the time ticks by.
i am afraid. and i kept writing the chinese word for heart on my palm and taking deep breaths. telling myself , "it is alright".then the fateful time arrives. my heart just stopped right there. i frozed but i accept the fact i need to go anyway. well basically mdm lau introduced the two teams and theres an obvious difference to which team is more popular. bad start i thought. we are on the losing end. well i am the first person to speak when i was about to stand , the people in the front row were cheering for me. which adds it on to my fear and the uneasiness in my heart.
i stood up anyway and picked up my script. i noticed my hand shooked
violently. my voice were all hoarse and trembling , i tried to calm myself yet no avail. i am blacking out soon. but the thought of ending this beautifully woke me up and i slam the paper on the table. putting my both hands on the table , exerting all my force on the table , easing me from my nervousness and fear. my voice is back. and i speak once again.
letting all the knowledge i know flow inside me , i looked at the script as i speak and i felt i looked at it too many times. thus during the times for the example , i decided to try my luck and just shoot out anything i know. i missed some points but i managed to hide it till the end. everyone was looking at me as if i am some stranger or i am speaking alien language. that frightened me.
did i sound horrible? did i speak too fast? am i too soft? am i going out of point?well my turned is done. i signalled to mdm lau yet she seem to be shock that its done? the others dont even know its finished till i sat down and they clapped loudly. at least the clapping ease me. now its the time to write the informations from the enemy , but my hand could not even hold a pencil properly. obviously i was still trembling.
i shall not elaborate on the other parts but just skip to the end. or else it will ge too lengthy.. but in the first place , who reads?
well the last part i am shock to know i got the best for speaking and my team won. there were mixed feelings within it. and now i am still trembling. the enmy team is indeed strong and we had a good fight. it seems like their team seemed to be better to the majority. so sorry that my team won?
oh well. since everything has passed. i shall put things down. too tired to think of anything. i shall go back to reading. reading is the best anyway.
i sound really horrible right?with all the high hopes pinned on me.sigh. i am horrible."i am interested on why do i speak with what the others say , n english accent and said that i was faking it even though all i did was just speak."
