Crimson Red , monotonous grey

Saturday, June 13, 2009 12:11 AM

Stupid things

felt stupid these days. spending my time away like that. i am lacking the motivation to study. i dont really have a goal in the future actually. what i like is actually the source of my heartache and troubles.

how would a person get a decent job in the future with the abilities of art in singapore? barely.
i have known of this reality a long long time ago.
even if you can find a job , you would need to excel.
so can i do it? hard. i saw people doing way better than me. thats the harsh reality. even though i hate it , i have to accept it , unwillingly.

i cant accept the fact that i am a slow learner. i cant accept it! i simply cant! i have so much to learn now and i am still learning slowly? why cant i be smarter? or lets jsut say , why arent i born smart or a genius? why aint i born with a natural talent? all the talents i have , i have to train like some mad person.

people praise me for being born as a gifted child in art but thats so wrong! they have not seen the true gifted person!

all these ache in my heart.
serioualy, i cant put it down , i cant put down the judgement of being a fake. an imperfect replica.

let me think over the night.
perhaps i would be better. no tears , no sadness. just plain thinking and reflection. the best thing to do now is to think of how to set out my things.

i am going to get the emaths Casco book soon. i lack of practice. hopefully that will motivate me to work. i can do it. i am someone if i could set my mind to do it , i will go in full speed. i know it , i can do it. all i just need to do now is to stand right up , stand firmly against the harsh wind and storm.

this roller coaster ride is going to be over soon. yes it will. it will.. right?

seriously , it ache to know the truth. what i love to do , be it music or art , i could never really grasp it within my weak arms. believe it or not.. i wish to be a ballerina but i did not do anything. thus that dream float away. i wish to be a pianist but i miss my chance. i wish to be a violinist but i lacked the courage. i wish to be a better artist yet my abilities could only take me to a certain level. i wish to be all these , yet i have to face the fact being told by my parents that..

to think wisely. these are not stable jobs.
are you sure this is your future?

it seriously ache , really really badly.
i guess.. i could not do the things i love in this life?

my heart is aching now. it may seem insignificant to you all.. but its a great blow on me.
you may not understand and i dont ask you to understand.

so shut your mouth for stupid gossips or whatsoever measely humans.